Some People

Cognitive Dissonance

Why Narcissistic people love to ruin birthdays and holidays

People with Cluster B personality disorders enjoy making other people feel worthless — especially on birthdays or holidays. Mean people love nothing more than stealing joy from an otherwise happy or sensitive-natured person. Don’t let the opinion of a manipulator or gaslighting con-artist’s angry, ugly, words ruin your mood. Their fundamentally toxic ill-fated projections (rather than goodwill sentiments or “happy” wishes) become a disappointing seasonal dysfunction lifestyle truth. Stand up for your own fundamental human rights to live, believe, and ENJOY whatever healthy idle amusement pleases, delights, and amuses you.

Your self-esteem or feelings of self-worth should NEVER be based on another soul’s subjective opinion of YOU. Don’t let the proverbial “turkeys” (or more aptly turkey dinners) get you down. Be your merry older and wiser self. If they refuse to allow you to live your life in a state of healthy and bountiful joy, thank them for their interest in saving you from yourself. Then, post haste, bid them adieu and tell them you hope they have a nice day — someplace else.

 

Narcissists love to spoil holidays and birthdays because to them the festivities represent stress triggers. For instance, how profoundly disruptive to a person’s thinking to have kind-hearted people fixing “Creme Brule” flavored coffee and handing them out in plain red cups.

 

Holidays are especially rough on a Narcissist’s favorite scapegoats and situationally targeted victim(s). Because abusive personalities are likely to trigger easily and frequently at the slightest provocation from any source or cause during these times, those who are most frequently bullied or harassed end up developing their own C-PTSD version of holiday stress.

People who are egocentric love to attention hog, so ruining other people’s feelings of warmth or interpersonal contentedness with the world while celebrating any holiday, birthday, personal celebration, commemorative milestone, or symbolic season like Christmas is their forte. 

If you feel like you have to walk on eggshells while you are struggling to please or avoid the wrath of another person that gets worse during periods of high stress for a vacuous person, it’s NOT in your imagination.

As clinically diagnosed Narcissist and author of “Malignant Self-Love: Narcissism Revisited” Dr. Sam Vaknincandidly expressed in his tell-all book about Narcissistic Personality Disorder inspired thinking:

Holiday blues are a common occurrence even among the mentally sound. In me they provoke a particularly virulent strain of pathological envy. I am jealous at others for having a family, or for being able to celebrate lavishly, or for being in the right, festive mood. My cognitive dissonances crumble. I keep telling myself: “Look at those inferior imitations of humans, slaves of their animated corpses, wasting their time, pretending to be happy”. Yet, deep inside, I know that I am the defective one. I realize that my inability to rejoice is a protracted and unusual punishment meted out to me by my very self. I am sad and enraged. I want to spoil it for those who can. I want them to share my misery, to reduce them to my level of emotional abstinence and absence. I hate humans because I am unable to be one.

PEOPLE WHO COMPULSIVELY SPOIL HOLIDAYS OR RUIN FESTIVE MOODS OF OTHERS HAVE AN ABUSIVE PERSONALITY AND ARE MOST LIKELY TARGETING OR SCAPEGOATING YOU FOR PERSONAL, SOCIAL, OR EMOTIONAL EXTINCTION.

Beware the party planning Somatic Narcissist as well. They will be the first to step up to the plate to take over your special event planning for dinner parties, special events, holidays, and birthdays in an attempt to make themselves — rather than any special guest or group empathy being shared — look great. There is no sincerity in the desire to honor… only to be the star even when it is not their own special commemorative date. Even their party planning is enacted with a vengeance — something helpers, volunteers, and even the guest of honor will all suffer for tremendously while their manual labor goes entirely unrecognized by a glory-hogging Narcissist while efforts to help or please the ruthless party planner (or narcissistic guess and peer group) go completely unappreciated.

 

Copied from Health Cure by Amanda

 

 

 

Sir Walter Scott Quote

Narcissism? Munchausen and Munchausen by Proxy Syndromes

Lakeville Mom Who Hid Daughters Found Guilty

HASTINGS, Minn. - A Lakeville mother who hid her daughters in a secluded ranch for more than two years has been found guilty of purposely keeping the girls away from their father.
Sandra Grazzini-Rucki, 50, was found guilty of six of the eight charges against her -- all felony counts of depriving custodial rights.
She was acquitted of two counts related to causing minors to be runaways. After the verdict was read, Grazzini-Rucki was taken into custody and her bail was set at $100,000 without conditions.
When she is sentenced at 9 a.m. on Sept. 21, she faces a maximum of a year in jail. But she has already served 4 months, and prosecutors say their goal has never been to pursue maximum incarceration time.
For her ex-husband and the father of the two teenage girls, Thursday's verdict was bittersweet -- marking the end of a long, tortuous process but also the chance to finally move on.
"Everyone's looking forward to moving forward and normalizing life," David Rucki said. "Every day we're still learning. And we're working on things every day. But everybody's happy. And that's what you hope for."
The girls, now a high school graduate and soon-to-be a junior next fall, have been living with their father since being discovered at the ranch late last year by authorities.
Grazzini-Rucki was charged after investigators say she executed a plan with friends to drive her daughters, then 13 and 14, to a horse ranch in Herman, after claiming they "ran away" in 2013.
"It is simply inappropriate and unacceptable for any parent to hide their children and keep them from the custodial parent in violation of a court order for any amount of time," said Dakota County Attorney James Backstrom. "The almost two and a half years that these children were hidden led to significant trauma to her daughters and caused significant adverse impacts to the rest of her family. We are pleased with the jury’s decision in this matter."

David Rucki   (Photo: Lee Wall, KARE)

For Rucki, the two and a half years he spent without his girls was "utter devastation."
"Your whole world collapses. These are your children," he said. "You can't stop thinking about them. The hardest part was trying to function on a daily basis in a normal world when everything around you is chaotic."
Rucki said his daughters are trying to get back to a normal life but he'll never get those years back that he missed.
"Just the knowing they didn’t have a normal childhood. It was stolen from them," he said. "They didn’t get to go to the dances and do the sports they were in. Just being kids."
While no one was denying the fact that Grazzini-Rucki brought her girls to the ranch, the case instead centered around the reasons why. The prosecution argued this was a manipulative attempt to hurt the girls' father and was done purely out of spite.
The two were going through a tumultuous divorce at the time of the girls' disappearance and a judge had awarded Rucki with custody.
Meanwhile, the defense argued this was a desperate mother who was acting out of fear. Grazzini-Rucki’s attorney Stephen Grigsby told the court she was under emotional distress and felt this was her only option to keep her girls safe. Throughout the investigation, Grazzini-Rucki accused her ex-husband of abuse. However, a family court judge ruled the girls were never abused -- and said Grazzini-Rucki brainwashed them into thinking they were.
Rucki said those claims continue to hurt him, as they've tarnished his reputation.
"You know, you get this label put on you and it doesn't go away. It's there on a day-to-day basis," he said. "There's some vindication here today."
Rucki said he's not sure if his girls will have a relationship with their mother -- or what that might look like.
"I don't badmouth their mom. I mean, it's their mom. I know they still love their mother," he said. "I think it's going to be a lot to learn. To grasp. And it’s going to take time. It’s going to be a lifetime to deal with this stuff."
Grazzini-Rucki's accomplices also charged in connection with this case are still pending. A jury trial has been set for Grazzini-Rucki's friend Deirdre Elise Evavold on Sept. 26.

False Allegations and Personality Types

    False Allegations in Divorce and Custody Battles: The Personality Types of False Accusers and the Falsely Accused

Written by Dr Tara J. Palmatier on August 24, 2011    

The following article is from the August 23, 2011 AVfM Radio program on the criminal practice of making false allegations of abuse in order to gain the upper hand in divorce and custody battles. The radio version was edited down due to time constraints. Here’s everything I wrote for the show in its entirety:
Too many men have become the targets of false allegations. False allegations of domestic violence. False allegations of sexual assault. And false allegations of sexual abuse.
False allegations are lies and people who make false allegations are liars. A false allegation of abuse isn’t just any lie; it’s one of the most contemptible lies that exists. Even one victim of such a despicable lie is one victim too many.
Oftentimes, when a man finds himself the target of false allegations, he initially becomes paralyzed by shock and disbelief that a woman he once loved or still loves could perpetrate such a horrible lie upon him. The nightmare of false allegations is always compounded whenever children are involved.
What precipitates these kinds of false allegations?
Domestic violence literature holds that ending an abusive relationship is often the most dangerous time for the target of abuse. The classic stereotype is that of the alcoholic Neanderthal who beats his wife to death as she attempts to walk out the door after years of abuse.
For men, ending a relationship with an abusive woman is also often the most dangerous time.
Just like his female counterpart, when a man makes the agonizing decision to divorce an abusive wife, it may end in violence. Stories abound in the news of women killing their ex-husbands and their own children during divorce and custody battles. But women have another weapon at their disposal, which is just as lethal as any firearm or poison.
That weapon is the false allegation.
Many men, despite having been subjected to years of abuse, come a cropper when their ex makes a false allegation. How could someone you once loved and who supposedly loved you tell such horrible lies?
The simplest answer is that women who perpetrate false allegations are malicious and disturbed. Men also make false allegations and those that do are equally malicious and disturbed, but let’s face it, there are clear tactical advantages for women who fabricate false allegations.
Over the last 25 years, as the domestic violence and divorce industries have grown, a perverse system has developed in response to female initiated allegations of abuse in which the accuser is rewarded.
How are women rewarded for making false allegations?
They get attention. The person they hate is punished. They receive social approval. We all hate abusers and pedophiles, right? Look at that courageous woman who’s fighting to protect her child! Female false accusers may also receive free legal representation, welfare payments, free counseling and other support services and support from family, friends and neighbors — in other words, even more attention (Wakefield & Underwager, 1990).
Furthermore, there are very little, if any consequences for women who make false allegations in family court (Green & Schetky, 1988). Ultimately, the false accuser has far more to gain than she has to lose. However, I’m hopeful that we’ll soon be seeing more stories like that of Daryl Guinyard, the man who sued his ex-wife in civil court for making false sexual abuse allegations and was awarded $852,000 in punitive damages.
What happens to men when they’re falsely accused?
Many men experience a very rude awakening when they enter the justice system via false allegations. Perhaps the truth will prevail, but typically not without a considerable amount of collateral damage to themselves and their children.
When a man is accused of abusing a woman or child, any concept of due process and “innocent until proven guilty” flies out the window. Men are assumed guilty until proven innocent when a woman cries abuse or rape.
False allegations can turn a difficult divorce into full out nuclear war.
When a woman calls 911 and alleges violence, a man is often required to vacate the family home. If his wife follows up with an emergency protective order, he must then submit to prolonged alienation from his children. He becomes caught in both the criminal justice system and social service bureaucracies, which may result in jail time and/or court-ordered therapy while the real criminal, his lying wife, wins possession of both the children and the marital home.
Men who are falsely accused by their exes also face the threat of presumably well-intentioned, but zealous and biased mental health professionals and court evaluators who are quick to believe the accusations of the often highly emotional, female false accusers based on little to no evidence.
The falsely accused isn’t the only casualty of a court appointee’s or mental health evaluator’s rush to judgment. Both the accused and his children are hurt.
When the false allegations involve sexual abuse, children are subjected to a long process of interrogation, therapies and medical examinations, which can be invasive, confusing and traumatic. The falsely accused often suffers emotional and physical trauma, public humiliation, family breakdown and financial ruin. Furthermore, the relationship with his children may be irreparably damaged.
Fighting to prove his innocence can take years and become a financial expense many men simply can’t afford.
Just as false accusers rarely receive consequences for perverting and obstructing justice, court evaluators and mental health professionals who wrongly determine that abuse has occurred through their own incompetence and biases are rarely held accountable. The people who suffer the most negative consequences are the falsely accused and the children. This isn’t justice; it’s a mockery of justice.
What do we know about women who make false allegations?
Wakefield and Underwager (1990) determined that false accusers are much more likely to have a personality disorder such as histrionic, borderline, passive-aggressive, or paranoid. False accusers appear to be highly defensive and rigid, to have poor insight and a tendency to deny personal shortcomings. They tend to be extremely concerned about and sensitive to how others perceive them. False accusers tend to confuse feelings with facts. A woman may “feel” abused or may “feel” the children are being abused, when, objectively speaking, no abuse has actually occurred (Zepezauer, 1994).
Wakefield and Underwager (1990) found that:

[False accusers] are likely to misperceive the behavior of others and to react to stressful situations in maladaptive ways. Depending upon the specific personality disorder, they are characterized by instability of mood, impulsivity, inappropriate emotional overreactions, a need for approval and attention, and difficulties handling anger and conflict.

False accusers also have an obsessive hatred of and anger toward their ex-partner, so much so that their hatred and anger become a driving force in their lives. False accusers are individuals who hate their exes more than they love their children. Their hatred and anger trumps the needs and much ballyhooed best interests of their children.
What do we know about men who become the targets of false allegations of abuse?
They tend to be your average nice guy who has a more nurturing and passive personality. These men are unlikely to be socially aggressive or competitive and tend to lack insight into their personal relationships, which may explain why so many of these men are thrown for a loop when their ex throws them under the bus — even when she’s made threats throughout their marriage to call 911 and have him arrested (Wakefield & Underwager, 1990).
Additionally, these men, because of their sensitive and caring natures, may be more vulnerable to relationships with needy and manipulative women. Once in a relationship with a high-conflict (HCP) and/or abusive personality disordered woman (APDI), they may behave somewhat passively as they continue to naively hope that everything will magically work out in the end.
What are the identifiable characteristics of false allegation cases?
Ross and Blush (1987; 1990) have found certain patterns that characterize false allegation cases. For instance:

1. The allegations start after separation and legal action commences.
2. There’s a history of family dysfunction with high-conflict and other hidden underlying issues.
3. Again, the female accuser is often a histrionic or borderline personality.
4. The female accuser takes an angry, defensive and justifying stance.
5. The accused male parent is generally nurturing, passive and lacks “macho” characteristics.
6. In alleged sexual molestation cases, the child is typically a female under the age of 8.
7. The allegations surface via the custodial parent who is typically the mother.
8. The mother takes the child to an “expert” who corroborates the abuse and identifies the father as the culprit.
9. The court reacts to the expert information by terminating or limiting visitation.

Ross and Blush also determined there are primarily three types of false accusers: the histrionic, the justified vindicator and the borderline.
The histrionic personality appears anxious and presents herself as the victim of her ex. She describes herself as physically and/or psychologically abused by her ex and worries that the children are also in danger of being victimized from him. She projects or superimposes her feelings, fears and distortions onto the children. She seems to have “unusual and inappropriate” sexual concerns about the children and may regularly examine the children’s genitals and take them for frequent medical examinations.
The justified vindicator initially presents as assertive and organized with a justifiable argument supported by “facts, figures and opinions supporting her evidence.” She comes across as outraged and worried about her ex’s behavior. However, as most high-conflict types do, she becomes resistant, hostile and passive-aggressive or overtly aggressive upon cross-examination of her claims. She’s likely to try to discredit any evaluator or law enforcement official that questions her assertions and may threaten to sue or file an ethics complaint.
The borderline personality has intense and chaotic interpersonal relationships and is prone to intense valuation and devaluation. They will attempt to punish others who they believe have abandoned or hurt them. False allegations are a highly effective way of doing this.
In my practice, I coach many men through the divorce process. Prior to pulling the pin and telling their abusive wives that the marriage is over, I help my clients create a safe exit strategy. I use the phrase “pulling the pin” deliberately, because divorcing an abusive, high-conflict and possibly personality disordered woman is often very much like handling a live grenade.
I warn every single male client who is about to divorce or break-up with an abusive partner that he may be at risk for becoming the target of false allegations.
Many men can’t comprehend how or why their partner or ex could fabricate such a lie. Even when their wives have threatened to call 911 during the relationship to intimidate and control them, they still have a difficult time believing that it could happen to them. Men whose wives or girlfriends have threatened to call the cops during their relationship to intimidate or control them are especially at risk should they decide to separate.
Counseling is not a consequence.
False allegations, even if they’re later disproved, rarely result in a completely happy ending for the accused and the children. Family court and law officials must begin implementing serious consequences — beyond the anemic “consequence” of outpatient counseling — for both women and men who make false allegations. Perhaps if women who are inclined to make false allegations knew there would be real life consequences such as jail time, fines and loss of custody, they wouldn’t be as likely to see making false allegations as a viable option.
Enough is enough.
Services:
Dr Tara J. Palmatier provides confidential, fee-for-service, consultation/coaching services to help both men and women work through their relationship issues via telephone and/or Skype chat. Her practice combines practical advice, support, reality testing and goal-oriented outcomes. Please visit the Shrink4Men Services page for professional inquiries.
References:
Blush, G. L. & Ross, K. L. (1990). Investigation and case management issues and strategies. Issues in Child Abuse Accusations (2) 3.
Blush, G. L. & Ross, K. L. (1987). Sexual allegations in divorce: The SAID syndrome. Conciliation Courts Review, 25(1).
Green, A. H., & Schetky, D. H. (1988). Child Sexual Abuse. New York:Brunner/Mazel.
Wakefield, H., & Underwager, R. (1990). Personality Characteristics of Parents Making False Accusations of Sexual Abuse in Custody Disputes. Issues In Child Abuse Accusations, 2(3), 121-136.  

Delusional Disorder

Delusional disorder, previously called paranoid disorder, is a type of serious mental illness called a "psychosis" in which a person cannot tell what is real from what is imagined. The main feature of this disorder is the presence of delusions, unshakable beliefs in something untrue or not based on reality. People with delusional disorder generally experience non-bizarre delusions, which involve situations that could occur in real life, such as being followed, poisoned, deceived, conspired against, or loved from a distance. These delusions usually involve the misinterpretation of perceptions or experiences. In reality, however, the situations are either not true at all or highly exaggerated.  If the delusions could not happen in reality (aliens, television broadcasting your thoughts) then a person might be considered delusional with bizarre-type delusions.

People with delusional disorder often can continue to socialize and function normally, apart from the subject of their delusion, and generally do not behave in an obviously odd or bizarre manner. This is unlike people with other psychotic disorders, who also might have delusions as a symptom of their disorder. In some cases, however, people with delusional disorder might become so preoccupied with their delusions that their lives are disrupted.

Recommended Related to Schizophrenia

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Genes can play a role in schizophrenia, so some people are born with a higher-than-average chance of getting it. But it doesn't usually take hold until after puberty. Most people are diagnosed in their late teens to early 30s. Men and women are equally likely to get this brain disorder, but guys tend to get it slightly earlier. On average, they're diagnosed in their late teens to early 20s. Women tend to learn they have it in their late 20s to early 30s. Schizophrenia is rarely diagnosed before...

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Although delusions might be a symptom of more common disorders, such as schizophrenia, delusional disorder itself is rather rare. Delusional disorder most often occurs in middle to late life and is slightly more common in women than in men.

Types of Delusional Disorder

There are different types of delusional disorder based on the main theme of the delusions experienced. The types of delusional disorder include:

• Erotomanic: Someone with this type of delusional disorder believes that another person, often someone important or famous, is in love with him or her. The person might attempt to contact the object of the delusion, and stalking behavior is not uncommon.
• Grandiose: A person with this type of delusional disorder has an over-inflated sense of worth, power, knowledge, or identity. The person might believe he or she has a great talent or has made an important discovery.
• Jealous: A person with this type of delusional disorder believes that his or her spouse or sexual partner is unfaithful.
• Persecutory: People with this type of delusional disorder believe that they (or someone close to them) are being mistreated, or that someone is spying on them or planning to harm them. It is not uncommon for people with this type of delusional disorder to make repeated complaints to legal authorities.
• Somatic: A person with this type of delusional disorder believes that he or she has a physical defect or medical problem.
• Mixed: People with this type of delusional disorder have two or more of the types of delusions listed above.

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Gray Rocking - How Do You Gray Rock a Narcissist

Gray Rocking - How Do You Gray Rock a Narcissist

How to go gray rock?

What is it? Is it a new term or just something that we are now hearing?

Gray Rock is primarily a way of encouraging a psychopath, a stalker or other emotionally unbalanced person, to lose interest in you. It differs from No Contact in that you don't overtly try to avoid contact with these emotional vampires. Instead, you allow contact but only give boring, monotonous responses so that the parasite must go elsewhere for his supply of drama. When contact with you is consistently unsatisfying for the psychopath, his mind is re-trained to expect boredom rather than drama. Psychopaths and Narcissists are addicted to drama and they can't stand to be bored. With time, he will find a new person to provide drama and he will find himself drawn to you less and less often. Eventually, they just slither away to greener pastures. 

For many of us dealing with crazy, controlling exNNN's who we still have to have in our lives due to us having children together but they are unable to co-parent with us - what can you do to stop them affecting you and your overall peace ad happiness when they are intent on pulling you down. With exNNN's, many of them have no boundaries and don't think twice about trying to cross yours. As we have learnt from times before, when we engage with a narc, it never turns out well.

If you can’t go “No Contact” with a Narcissist because you have children with them, or you are somehow unable to get them out of your life for whatever reason,  you can implement a technique called “Gray Rock”. Gray Rock is where you become as exciting and interesting as, well,  a gray rock. The goal is to blend into the background, and become the most boring, unreactive person they’ve ever met. The reason being is that if you can quit being a source of supply for their drama and attention, they will eventually leave you alone.

Do not respond with any emotion when they try and provoke you. Keep in mind that because they have no values–they have no empathy and no remorse.  They only know what you value by the level of your reaction–so to beat them at their game and don’t react. Practice your non-reactions with a trusted friend or in the mirror, or go over different things you know they might say to incite you–and then practice being nonreactive.  Because Narcissists thrive on chaos and drama, they will eventually become disinterested and turn their attentions elsewhere if they can’t get a rise out of you.

In order to go Gray Rock, when you must engage with the Narcissist, only talk about boring things: your laundry, getting your oil changed, doing your taxes. Do not talk about anything that will make them jealous or in any way encourages them to cause drama. Do not talk about how great things are going for you, or any accomplishments you or your children are having, or how great your life is now that they aren’t in it. Do not talk about upcoming vacations, current boyfriends, sports tournaments the kids are in, weddings or anything that is remotely interesting. When they try and push your buttons (and they will), don’t react. Don’t try and get them to see how hurtful their behavior was (and is). Take all the blame for the relationship, and make them think it’s not them it’s you. Doing this takes away their ability to argue and create drama and chaos. As far as you are concerned there is nothing interesting about you or your children, and if they blame you for everything just agree. Smile and nod and get away from them.

It is so, so, so hard to do. I get it. I really do. However the only two ways to get them out of your life are to either go no contact or go Gray Rock. And the sooner you can get them out of your life, the sooner you can start to heal - but you can't when the Gray Rock is the father or mother of your child.

Stay strong. This isn’t your fault. You aren’t crazy. You aren’t over-reacting. And you aren’t alone.  Looking for some support, or need to vent about the Narcissist in your life?

The Gray Rock Method of Dealing With Psychopaths ~ Under the Psychopath's Mask of Sanity 

When dealing with malignant narcissists, psychopaths, sociopaths, borderlines, drama queens, stalkers and other emotional vampires, it's commonly advised that no response is the best response to unwanted attention. This is often true and No Contact (the avoidance of all communication) should be used whenever possible.

There are some situations however, when No Contact is not feasible, as in when you share child custody with a psychopath. As another example, if you are being stalked by an ex, a restraining order can infuriate the unwanted suitor, and refusing to respond to him or her is seen as an insult. They might become convinced that they can MAKE you respond and in that way satiate their need for power over you.

Furthermore, many of us have tried to end a relationship with a psychopath several times, only to take them back, each time. They turned on the pity ploy and the charm, and because we didn't understand that this is what a psychopath does, we fell for their promises to change. They know all of our emotional hooks. For them, it's easy and fun to lure us back by appealing to our emotions. But a psychopath can't change. In fact, when you leave a psychopath, he becomes determined to punish you even more severely for thinking you could be autonomous.

Even if we don't take them back, the most dangerous time for a person is when they first break up with a psychopath. The psychopath feels rage at being discarded. Losing control or power over a person is not just a narcissistic injury for them; they feel profoundly empty when their partner leaves them - even if they had intended to kill their partner. The reason is because they have lost control. Psychopaths need to feel in control at all times.

For all these situations, we have Gray Rock.

What it is:


So, how do we escape this parasitical leech without triggering his vindictive rage? Gray Rock is a way of training the psychopath to view you as an unsatisfying pursuit - you bore him and he can't stand boredom.

What it's for:

Making a psychopath go away of his own volition is one application of Gray Rock. One might say that Gray Rock is a way of breaking up with a psychopath by using the old, "It's not you, it's me." excuse, except that you act it out instead of saying it and the psychopath comes to that conclusion on his own.

Another reason to use Gray Rock is to avoid becoming a target in the first place. If you find yourself in the company of one or more narcissistic personalities - perhaps you work with them or they are members of your family - it's important to avoid triggering their ENVY. By using Gray Rock, you fade into the background. It's possible they won't even remember having met you. If you have already inadvertently attracted their attention and they have already begun to focus in on you, you can still use Gray Rock. Tell them you are boring. Describe a boring life. Talk about the most mundane household chores you accomplished that day - in detail. Some people are naturally lacking in dramatic flair. Find those people and try to hang around them when the psychopath is nearby.

If you must continue a relationship with a psychopath, Gray Rock can serve you as well. Parents sharing joint custody with a psychopathic ex-spouse can use Gray Rock when the ex-spouse tries to trigger their emotions. I acknowledge that any threat to the well-being of our children is overwhelmingly anxiety provoking. Here is where Gray Rock can be applied selectively to draw attention away from what really matters to you. In general, show no emotion to the offending behaviors or words. The psychopath will try different tactics to see which ones get a reaction. With Selective Gray Rock, you choose to respond to the tactic which matters least to you. This will focus the psychopath's attention on that issue. Remember, the psychopath has no values, so he doesn't understand what is valuable to us - unless we show him. Selective Gray Rock shows him a decoy. When protecting our children, we can take a lesson from nature: Bird parents who have fledglings are known to feign a broken wing when a predator is in the vicinity. They fake a vulnerability to detract the cat's attention from their real vulnerability, their babies. In this example, Selective Gray Rock fades all emotions into the background except the ones you want the predator to see.

Why it works:


A psychopath is easily bored. He or she needs constant stimulation to ward off boredom. It isn't the type of boredom that normal people experience; it's more like the French word, ennui, which refers to an oppressive boredom or listlessness. Drama is a psychopath's remedy for boredom. For drama, they need an audience and some players. Once the drama begins, they feel complete and alive again. They are empowered when pulling the strings that elicit our emotions. Any kind of emotions will do, as long as it is a response to their actions.

A psychopath is an addict. He is addicted to power. His power is acquired by gaining access to our emotions. He is keenly aware of this and needs to constantly test to make sure we are still under his control. He needs to know that we are still eager to do his bidding, make him happy and avoid his wrath. He needs to create drama so he can experience the power of manipulating our emotions. As with any addiction, it is exhilarating to the psychopath when he gets his supply of emotional responses. The more times he experiences a reward for his dramatic behavior, the more addicted he becomes. Conversely, when the reward stops coming, he becomes agitated. He experiences oppressive boredom and he will counter it by creating more drama. If we stay the course and show no emotions, the psychopath will eventually decide that his toy is broken. It doesn't squirt emotions when he squeezes it anymore! Most likely, he will slither away to find a new toy.

The Gray Rock technique does come with a caveat: psychopaths are dangerous people, if you are in a relationship with one that has already decided to kill you, it will be difficult to change his mind. He may already be poisoning you or sabotaging your vehicle. Take all necessary precautions. In this case, Gray Rock can only hope to buy time until you can make your escape.

How it works:


Psychopaths are attracted to shiny, pretty things that move fast and to bright lights. These things, signal excitement and relieve the psychopath's ever-present ennui. Your emotional responses are his food of choice, but they aren't the only things he wants.

He envies everything pretty, shiny and sparkly that you have and he wants whatever you value. You must hide anything that he will notice and envy. If you happen to be very good looking, you need to change that during this time. Use makeup to add bags under your eyes. If you aren't married to the psychopath, any money or assets he covets should disappear "in a bad investment decision" (consult with your attorney on this). Your shiny sports car has to go, get a beater. If you have a sparkling reputation, anticipate that he will or has already begun to slander you; therefore, don't allow yourself to be put into any compromising position or pushed into erratic behavior. The reason he wants to take these things from you, is not necessarily because he wants them for himself, it's because he wants to see the emotions on your face when you lose them. He wants the power trip associated with being the one who took them from you. By preemptively removing these things from his vision and not reacting with emotion at the losses, you continue to train him with the idea that you are the most boring person on earth, someone he would never want to be.

Why is it called Gray Rock?

You don't just practice Gray Rock, you BECOME a Gray Rock. There are gray rocks and pebbles everywhere you go, but you never notice them. None of them attract your attention. You don't remember any specific rock you saw today because they blend with the scenery. That is the type of boring that you want to channel when you are dealing with a psychopath. Your boring persona will camouflage you and the psychopath won't even notice you were there. The stranger in the sushi bar showed great insight when he advised me to "be boring." He struck at the heart of the psychopath's motivation: to avoid boredom.

In nature, there are many plants and creatures that show us how to survive in a world of predators. Among others, birds feign injury to protect their babies and mice play dead until the cat loses interest. Both of these tactics can be useful and they can be channeled when applicable. Yet, it's difficult to calculate each and every move that a psychopath will make and to determine the best course of action each time. Instead of trying to out-think him, channel the gray rock. This simple, humble object in nature has all the wisdom it needs to avoid being noticed, it's boring.

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Fargo Parental Kidnapper Given Parole

Fargo parental kidnapper given parole, but children still on SD reservation

By Barry Amundson / Forum News Service on Oct 17, 2015 at 6:19 p.m.

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News Fargo,ND 58102 http://www.inforum.com/sites/default/files/styles/square_300/public/0B5WzNj8WWJ6_Y3BLbkRqUUZzeDA.jpg?itok=Yuxlwqnf

Barry Amundson / Forum News Service

INFORUM http://www.inforum.com

Fargo parental kidnapper given parole, but children still on SD reservation

Fargo ND 101 5th Street North 58102

FARGO – A Fargo mother who was convicted of parental kidnapping and whose daughters are still on a South Dakota Indian reservation with her half sister has been granted early parole, much to the chagrin of the fathers.

 

The 3-0 decision by the North Dakota Board of Parole will allow Tricia Taylor, 33, to be released Nov. 5 from the state women’s prison after serving about six months of a two-year prison term. Parole board chairman Duane Houdek said Taylor also served about five months in the Cass County Jail before her conviction last April when she was sent to the New England, N.D., prison.
He also defended the decision by saying she was a non-violent offender and didn’t have a criminal record.

However, the two girls, ages 2 and 7, still aren’t back with their fathers who have been granted full custody by a North Dakota state court.
Houdek said it was the board’s understanding that the Cheyenne River Sioux Reservation where the girls were taken has assumed jurisdiction and taken custody of the girls.
It was his understanding that “even if she wanted to, she couldn’t return them.”
However, the family spokesman for the fathers, Michael Nygaard of Fargo, disagrees.
“All Tricia has to do is make a call to her half sister and this is done,” he said about returning the children. “Tricia is trying to get the tribe to take custody of the girls, but we have received notice … that they will not do this but want the tribal court to make a decision on custody, which has not been determined yet in the tribal court. Tricia wanted the board to think that she is helpless in this matter while that is not the case.”

The two fathers -- Aarin Nygaard and Terrance Stanley, both of Fargo -- and their families are somewhat in disbelief she was granted parole.
“We just can’t believe it,” said Michael Nygaard, who is Aarin’s uncle.
One of the fathers’ attorneys, RoseAnn Wendell of Pierre, S.D., said, “I think it’s a slap in the face.”

Custody battle

It’s now been more than a year since Taylor took the girls on Labor Day weekend in 2014. Since then, the fathers have been fighting through the tribal court system on the northwest South Dakota reservation for the girls to be returned to them. They’ve spent more than $40,000 on legal fees, and have set up a GoFundMe.com page and a donation account at Gate City Bank.

They haven’t seen the girls either, although Tribal Judge Brenda Claymore did say last month at one of numerous hearings on the case that they could visit the girls who have been staying with Taylor’s half sister -- Jessica Ducheneaux -- in Timber Lake on the reservation. However, neither father has attended the hearings this year because their attorneys do not want them to succumb to the jurisdiction of the tribe.
Even if they could arrange it, Michael Nygaard said they didn’t want to have a visitation on the reservation. “After discussing it, we thought it would just be too disruptive.”
So, the situation has turned into an example of how people can get caught up in the legal limbo between state and tribal courts.
On one hand, the state courts want tribal courts to respect their laws while the tribal courts want state courts to do the same.
Wendell, who describes herself as a “blonde white girl” who has been arguing cases on South Dakota reservations for years, said when she first started her chances of winning any cases in tribal courts were about as good as being the “Easter bunny.”
She said she has developed a “good relationship” with the Cheyenne River tribal officials and is “cautiously optimistic” that the girls might be returned to their fathers at the next hearing in tribal court in Eagle Butte on Oct. 29.
“I think she (the judge) knows that legally, procedurally and substantially that the law favors returning the kids to their dads,” Wendell said.
However, the judge could face a political backlash on the reservation if she does give up the two girls from the reservation and may even face the loss of her job as the judge serves at the pleasure of the tribal chairman, which is the case on most reservations.
Moreover, Wendell said this custody case has been played out a lot in social media and has drawn a lot of attention.
“However, I think there’s been a lot of misinformation,” she said.
There have been allegations from Taylor that she has suffered physical and mental abuse from Aarin Nygaard and his family and that he sexually abused the older daughter.
In a petition that was sent to the parole board, another Taylor extended family member, Jennifer Ducheneaux, wrote that “for years she (Taylor) has been dealt verbal abuse, physical abuse and harassment from the Nygaard family.”
The allegations infuriate the fathers and their families.
Cass County assistant state’s attorney Tristan Van de Streek backs up the fathers, saying there was an intensive investigation by police and other agencies into the abuse allegations but the evidence was insufficient.
“No way could we win the case with the evidence we had,” said Van de Streek, who also prosecuted the parental kidnapping case against Taylor. He did say a confrontation between Nygaard and Taylor at one point in their relationship, however, did land Nygaard with a misdemeanor disorderly conduct charge, although it was later dismissed.
Another judge --- magistrate judge Susan Solheim of Fargo -- also has reviewed the relationships and the case and granted the fathers full custody, plus issued two contempt of court charges against Taylor.

State and tribal courts

The custody order, however, remains the focus of the dispute with the tribal court.
Wendell said these type of battles between state and tribal courts happen more than a person might think.
“Do people seek refuge on the reservation? Yes,” Wendell said.
She has seen other custody fights linger on reservations for years or in some instances not even make it to court -- another example of how jurisdictional issues can drag on between state and tribal courts.
“Sometimes it’s ‘good luck’ trying to get anything done,” Wendell said.
Because of that, some people simply give up as it gets “too hard, too stressful and too emotional,” she said.
Wendell said this case is somewhat different, however, not only because there has been the parental kidnapping conviction but because the fathers and their families are sticking it out and not giving up.
“I give them a lot of credit for keeping up the fight,” she said.
Meanwhile, Michael Nygaard said he worries that when Taylor is released from prison, she’ll go to the reservation and then they’ll never see the girls again.
However, orders provided by the parole board state that she can’t leave North Dakota without obtaining advance permission from a parole officer and she must also have a travel permit. The order also states that she must waive extradition from “any jurisdiction” where she would be found and not contest any effort to return her to the state.
Michael Nygaard said if the fathers aren’t awarded custody at the end of this month, they will try to move the case to federal court.
Judge Claymore and Jessica Ducheneaux did not return phone calls on the case or couldn’t be contacted.

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