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Wednesday, March 30, 2016

Gray Rocking - How Do You Gray Rock a Narcissist

Gray Rocking - How Do You Gray Rock a Narcissist

How to go gray rock?
What is it? Is it a new term or just something that we are now hearing?
Gray Rock is primarily a way of encouraging a psychopath, a stalker or other emotionally unbalanced person, to lose interest in you. It differs from No Contact in that you don't overtly try to avoid contact with these emotional vampires. Instead, you allow contact but only give boring, monotonous responses so that the parasite must go elsewhere for his supply of drama. When contact with you is consistently unsatisfying for the psychopath, his mind is re-trained to expect boredom rather than drama. Psychopaths and Narcissists are addicted to drama and they can't stand to be bored. With time, he will find a new person to provide drama and he will find himself drawn to you less and less often. Eventually, they just slither away to greener pastures. 
For many of us dealing with crazy, controlling exNNN's who we still have to have in our lives due to us having children together but they are unable to co-parent with us - what can you do to stop them affecting you and your overall peace ad happiness when they are intent on pulling you down. With exNNN's, many of them have no boundaries and don't think twice about trying to cross yours. As we have learnt from times before, when we engage with a narc, it never turns out well.
If you can’t go “No Contact” with a Narcissist because you have children with them, or you are somehow unable to get them out of your life for whatever reason,  you can implement a technique called “Gray Rock”. Gray Rock is where you become as exciting and interesting as, well,  a gray rock. The goal is to blend into the background, and become the most boring, unreactive person they’ve ever met. The reason being is that if you can quit being a source of supply for their drama and attention, they will eventually leave you alone.
Do not respond with any emotion when they try and provoke you. Keep in mind that because they have no values–they have no empathy and no remorse.  They only know what you value by the level of your reaction–so to beat them at their game and don’t react. Practice your non-reactions with a trusted friend or in the mirror, or go over different things you know they might say to incite you–and then practice being nonreactive.  Because Narcissists thrive on chaos and drama, they will eventually become disinterested and turn their attentions elsewhere if they can’t get a rise out of you.
In order to go Gray Rock, when you must engage with the Narcissist, only talk about boring things: your laundry, getting your oil changed, doing your taxes. Do not talk about anything that will make them jealous or in any way encourages them to cause drama. Do not talk about how great things are going for you, or any accomplishments you or your children are having, or how great your life is now that they aren’t in it. Do not talk about upcoming vacations, current boyfriends, sports tournaments the kids are in, weddings or anything that is remotely interesting. When they try and push your buttons (and they will), don’t react. Don’t try and get them to see how hurtful their behavior was (and is). Take all the blame for the relationship, and make them think it’s not them it’s you. Doing this takes away their ability to argue and create drama and chaos. As far as you are concerned there is nothing interesting about you or your children, and if they blame you for everything just agree. Smile and nod and get away from them.
It is so, so, so hard to do. I get it. I really do. However the only two ways to get them out of your life are to either go no contact or go Gray Rock. And the sooner you can get them out of your life, the sooner you can start to heal - but you can't when the Gray Rock is the father or mother of your child.
Stay strong. This isn’t your fault. You aren’t crazy. You aren’t over-reacting. And you aren’t alone.  Looking for some support, or need to vent about the Narcissist in your life?
The Gray Rock Method of Dealing With Psychopaths ~ Under the Psychopath's Mask of Sanity 
When dealing with malignant narcissists, psychopaths, sociopaths, borderlines, drama queens, stalkers and other emotional vampires, it's commonly advised that no response is the best response to unwanted attention. This is often true and No Contact (the avoidance of all communication) should be used whenever possible.
There are some situations however, when No Contact is not feasible, as in when you share child custody with a psychopath. As another example, if you are being stalked by an ex, a restraining order can infuriate the unwanted suitor, and refusing to respond to him or her is seen as an insult. They might become convinced that they can MAKE you respond and in that way satiate their need for power over you.
Furthermore, many of us have tried to end a relationship with a psychopath several times, only to take them back, each time. They turned on the pity ploy and the charm, and because we didn't understand that this is what a psychopath does, we fell for their promises to change. They know all of our emotional hooks. For them, it's easy and fun to lure us back by appealing to our emotions. But a psychopath can't change. In fact, when you leave a psychopath, he becomes determined to punish you even more severely for thinking you could be autonomous.
Even if we don't take them back, the most dangerous time for a person is when they first break up with a psychopath. The psychopath feels rage at being discarded. Losing control or power over a person is not just a narcissistic injury for them; they feel profoundly empty when their partner leaves them - even if they had intended to kill their partner. The reason is because they have lost control. Psychopaths need to feel in control at all times.

For all these situations, we have Gray Rock.
What it is:

So, how do we escape this parasitical leech without triggering his vindictive rage? Gray Rock is a way of training the psychopath to view you as an unsatisfying pursuit - you bore him and he can't stand boredom.
What it's for:
Making a psychopath go away of his own volition is one application of Gray Rock. One might say that Gray Rock is a way of breaking up with a psychopath by using the old, "It's not you, it's me." excuse, except that you act it out instead of saying it and the psychopath comes to that conclusion on his own.
Another reason to use Gray Rock is to avoid becoming a target in the first place. If you find yourself in the company of one or more narcissistic personalities - perhaps you work with them or they are members of your family - it's important to avoid triggering their ENVY. By using Gray Rock, you fade into the background. It's possible they won't even remember having met you. If you have already inadvertently attracted their attention and they have already begun to focus in on you, you can still use Gray Rock. Tell them you are boring. Describe a boring life. Talk about the most mundane household chores you accomplished that day - in detail. Some people are naturally lacking in dramatic flair. Find those people and try to hang around them when the psychopath is nearby.
If you must continue a relationship with a psychopath, Gray Rock can serve you as well. Parents sharing joint custody with a psychopathic ex-spouse can use Gray Rock when the ex-spouse tries to trigger their emotions. I acknowledge that any threat to the well-being of our children is overwhelmingly anxiety provoking. Here is where Gray Rock can be applied selectively to draw attention away from what really matters to you. In general, show no emotion to the offending behaviors or words. The psychopath will try different tactics to see which ones get a reaction. With Selective Gray Rock, you choose to respond to the tactic which matters least to you. This will focus the psychopath's attention on that issue. Remember, the psychopath has no values, so he doesn't understand what is valuable to us - unless we show him. Selective Gray Rock shows him a decoy. When protecting our children, we can take a lesson from nature: Bird parents who have fledglings are known to feign a broken wing when a predator is in the vicinity. They fake a vulnerability to detract the cat's attention from their real vulnerability, their babies. In this example, Selective Gray Rock fades all emotions into the background except the ones you want the predator to see.

Why it works:


A psychopath is easily bored. He or she needs constant stimulation to ward off boredom. It isn't the type of boredom that normal people experience; it's more like the French word, ennui, which refers to an oppressive boredom or listlessness. Drama is a psychopath's remedy for boredom. For drama, they need an audience and some players. Once the drama begins, they feel complete and alive again. They are empowered when pulling the strings that elicit our emotions. Any kind of emotions will do, as long as it is a response to their actions.
A psychopath is an addict. He is addicted to power. His power is acquired by gaining access to our emotions. He is keenly aware of this and needs to constantly test to make sure we are still under his control. He needs to know that we are still eager to do his bidding, make him happy and avoid his wrath. He needs to create drama so he can experience the power of manipulating our emotions. As with any addiction, it is exhilarating to the psychopath when he gets his supply of emotional responses. The more times he experiences a reward for his dramatic behavior, the more addicted he becomes. Conversely, when the reward stops coming, he becomes agitated. He experiences oppressive boredom and he will counter it by creating more drama. If we stay the course and show no emotions, the psychopath will eventually decide that his toy is broken. It doesn't squirt emotions when he squeezes it anymore! Most likely, he will slither away to find a new toy.
The Gray Rock technique does come with a caveat: psychopaths are dangerous people, if you are in a relationship with one that has already decided to kill you, it will be difficult to change his mind. He may already be poisoning you or sabotaging your vehicle. Take all necessary precautions. In this case, Gray Rock can only hope to buy time until you can make your escape.
How it works:

Psychopaths are attracted to shiny, pretty things that move fast and to bright lights. These things, signal excitement and relieve the psychopath's ever-present ennui. Your emotional responses are his food of choice, but they aren't the only things he wants.
He envies everything pretty, shiny and sparkly that you have and he wants whatever you value. You must hide anything that he will notice and envy. If you happen to be very good looking, you need to change that during this time. Use makeup to add bags under your eyes. If you aren't married to the psychopath, any money or assets he covets should disappear "in a bad investment decision" (consult with your attorney on this). Your shiny sports car has to go, get a beater. If you have a sparkling reputation, anticipate that he will or has already begun to slander you; therefore, don't allow yourself to be put into any compromising position or pushed into erratic behavior. The reason he wants to take these things from you, is not necessarily because he wants them for himself, it's because he wants to see the emotions on your face when you lose them. He wants the power trip associated with being the one who took them from you. By preemptively removing these things from his vision and not reacting with emotion at the losses, you continue to train him with the idea that you are the most boring person on earth, someone he would never want to be.
Why is it called Gray Rock?
You don't just practice Gray Rock, you BECOME a Gray Rock. There are gray rocks and pebbles everywhere you go, but you never notice them. None of them attract your attention. You don't remember any specific rock you saw today because they blend with the scenery. That is the type of boring that you want to channel when you are dealing with a psychopath. Your boring persona will camouflage you and the psychopath won't even notice you were there. The stranger in the sushi bar showed great insight when he advised me to "be boring." He struck at the heart of the psychopath's motivation: to avoid boredom.
In nature, there are many plants and creatures that show us how to survive in a world of predators. Among others, birds feign injury to protect their babies and mice play dead until the cat loses interest. Both of these tactics can be useful and they can be channeled when applicable. Yet, it's difficult to calculate each and every move that a psychopath will make and to determine the best course of action each time. Instead of trying to out-think him, channel the gray rock. This simple, humble object in nature has all the wisdom it needs to avoid being noticed, it's boring.

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Thursday, March 17, 2016

Fargo Parental Kidnapper Given Parole

Fargo parental kidnapper given parole, but children still on SD reservation

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News Fargo,ND 58102 http://www.inforum.com/sites/default/files/styles/square_300/public/0B5WzNj8WWJ6_Y3BLbkRqUUZzeDA.jpg?itok=Yuxlwqnf
INFORUM
Fargo parental kidnapper given parole, but children still on SD reservation
Fargo ND 101 5th Street North 58102
FARGO – A Fargo mother who was convicted of parental kidnapping and whose daughters are still on a South Dakota Indian reservation with her half sister has been granted early parole, much to the chagrin of the fathers.
The 3-0 decision by the North Dakota Board of Parole will allow Tricia Taylor, 33, to be released Nov. 5 from the state women’s prison after serving about six months of a two-year prison term. Parole board chairman Duane Houdek said Taylor also served about five months in the Cass County Jail before her conviction last April when she was sent to the New England, N.D., prison.
He also defended the decision by saying she was a non-violent offender and didn’t have a criminal record.
However, the two girls, ages 2 and 7, still aren’t back with their fathers who have been granted full custody by a North Dakota state court.
Houdek said it was the board’s understanding that the Cheyenne River Sioux Reservation where the girls were taken has assumed jurisdiction and taken custody of the girls.
It was his understanding that “even if she wanted to, she couldn’t return them.”
However, the family spokesman for the fathers, Michael Nygaard of Fargo, disagrees.
“All Tricia has to do is make a call to her half sister and this is done,” he said about returning the children. “Tricia is trying to get the tribe to take custody of the girls, but we have received notice … that they will not do this but want the tribal court to make a decision on custody, which has not been determined yet in the tribal court. Tricia wanted the board to think that she is helpless in this matter while that is not the case.”
The two fathers -- Aarin Nygaard and Terrance Stanley, both of Fargo -- and their families are somewhat in disbelief she was granted parole.
“We just can’t believe it,” said Michael Nygaard, who is Aarin’s uncle.
One of the fathers’ attorneys, RoseAnn Wendell of Pierre, S.D., said, “I think it’s a slap in the face.”
Custody battle
It’s now been more than a year since Taylor took the girls on Labor Day weekend in 2014. Since then, the fathers have been fighting through the tribal court system on the northwest South Dakota reservation for the girls to be returned to them. They’ve spent more than $40,000 on legal fees, and have set up a GoFundMe.com page and a donation account at Gate City Bank.
They haven’t seen the girls either, although Tribal Judge Brenda Claymore did say last month at one of numerous hearings on the case that they could visit the girls who have been staying with Taylor’s half sister -- Jessica Ducheneaux -- in Timber Lake on the reservation. However, neither father has attended the hearings this year because their attorneys do not want them to succumb to the jurisdiction of the tribe.
Even if they could arrange it, Michael Nygaard said they didn’t want to have a visitation on the reservation. “After discussing it, we thought it would just be too disruptive.”
So, the situation has turned into an example of how people can get caught up in the legal limbo between state and tribal courts.
On one hand, the state courts want tribal courts to respect their laws while the tribal courts want state courts to do the same.
Wendell, who describes herself as a “blonde white girl” who has been arguing cases on South Dakota reservations for years, said when she first started her chances of winning any cases in tribal courts were about as good as being the “Easter bunny.”
She said she has developed a “good relationship” with the Cheyenne River tribal officials and is “cautiously optimistic” that the girls might be returned to their fathers at the next hearing in tribal court in Eagle Butte on Oct. 29.
“I think she (the judge) knows that legally, procedurally and substantially that the law favors returning the kids to their dads,” Wendell said.
However, the judge could face a political backlash on the reservation if she does give up the two girls from the reservation and may even face the loss of her job as the judge serves at the pleasure of the tribal chairman, which is the case on most reservations.
Moreover, Wendell said this custody case has been played out a lot in social media and has drawn a lot of attention.
“However, I think there’s been a lot of misinformation,” she said.
There have been allegations from Taylor that she has suffered physical and mental abuse from Aarin Nygaard and his family and that he sexually abused the older daughter.
In a petition that was sent to the parole board, another Taylor extended family member, Jennifer Ducheneaux, wrote that “for years she (Taylor) has been dealt verbal abuse, physical abuse and harassment from the Nygaard family.”
The allegations infuriate the fathers and their families.
Cass County assistant state’s attorney Tristan Van de Streek backs up the fathers, saying there was an intensive investigation by police and other agencies into the abuse allegations but the evidence was insufficient.
“No way could we win the case with the evidence we had,” said Van de Streek, who also prosecuted the parental kidnapping case against Taylor. He did say a confrontation between Nygaard and Taylor at one point in their relationship, however, did land Nygaard with a misdemeanor disorderly conduct charge, although it was later dismissed.
Another judge --- magistrate judge Susan Solheim of Fargo -- also has reviewed the relationships and the case and granted the fathers full custody, plus issued two contempt of court charges against Taylor.
State and tribal courts
The custody order, however, remains the focus of the dispute with the tribal court.
Wendell said these type of battles between state and tribal courts happen more than a person might think.
“Do people seek refuge on the reservation? Yes,” Wendell said.
She has seen other custody fights linger on reservations for years or in some instances not even make it to court -- another example of how jurisdictional issues can drag on between state and tribal courts.
“Sometimes it’s ‘good luck’ trying to get anything done,” Wendell said.
Because of that, some people simply give up as it gets “too hard, too stressful and too emotional,” she said.
Wendell said this case is somewhat different, however, not only because there has been the parental kidnapping conviction but because the fathers and their families are sticking it out and not giving up.
“I give them a lot of credit for keeping up the fight,” she said.
Meanwhile, Michael Nygaard said he worries that when Taylor is released from prison, she’ll go to the reservation and then they’ll never see the girls again.
However, orders provided by the parole board state that she can’t leave North Dakota without obtaining advance permission from a parole officer and she must also have a travel permit. The order also states that she must waive extradition from “any jurisdiction” where she would be found and not contest any effort to return her to the state.
Michael Nygaard said if the fathers aren’t awarded custody at the end of this month, they will try to move the case to federal court.
Judge Claymore and Jessica Ducheneaux did not return phone calls on the case or couldn’t be contacted.

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